


Mr. Zachariah

by Aluminum_Crow



Category: The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle - Avi
Genre: Captain Jaggery is a Creepy Predatory Asshole, Crack Fic, Gen, Melatonin is Selectively Present, No Sane Person is Up at 3 AM Except for Me, buff!Mr. Zachariah, but what else is new, what really happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:15:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26089276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aluminum_Crow/pseuds/Aluminum_Crow
Summary: Mr. Zachariah was too buff to die. Some people were too young, or too pretty. He was too buff.
Kudos: 2





	Mr. Zachariah

**Author's Note:**

> It is nearly one in the morning and the dogs likely hate the tap-tapping of my keyboard, but I don’t care because this has been rattling around my skull for the past two hours and if I don’t write it, not only will I be unable to sleep, I might also have to read Twilight fanfic to stave off the impending insanity. A bit counterintuitive, but that’s the kind of chaos I thrive off of at these hours. Also, I haven’t read The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle in (like, what, a year and a half?)... a while and the scenes are a bit mixed up in my mind, so I’m not certain of exactly when this would take place, but according to my mind, it doesn’t really matter. This is crack fic.

Mr. Zachariah was too **buff** to die. Some people were too young, or too pretty. He was too **buff**. He was quite frankly a bit insulted that Charlotte bought the whole ‘sea burial’ thing, but he supposed that he had no one but himself to blame. He wore the ‘wimpy old man’ skinsuit a bit too well, it seemed. 

Still, the fact that she thought his sewed-up hammock would be so small and not- **buff** was a big hit to his incredibly **buff** ego. Anyways, he decided that hiding in the below decks was a great idea. For a while. Then he realized that his wimpy-not- **buff** -old-man skinsuit was becoming boring, so he shed it (much like a snake would) and resumed his true, **buff** form. This **buff** form had a taste for adventure, so instead of staying belowdecks (as the below decks were getting a bit lame at this point), he climbed up the ladder to the upper deck as **buff** ly as he could and ran across the main deck, throwing caution to the wind. 

A few of his crewmates on the night shift furiously gestured at him to hide again, looks of horror on their faces and warnings written in their eyes as clearly as if they were on light-up neon signs, but he was too **buff** to heed their warnings now. And plus, he didn’t see Jaggery anywhere. A real shame, as he now wanted to use his **buff** form to his full advantage and punch him in the face. Oh well, he could always do that later.

Anyways, he ran over to the side of the ship on his pair of **buff** legs and leapt over the side of the deck, his crewmates watching his incredibly **buff** form arcing off of the place where a plank would traditionally be in a delicate swan dive. **Buff!** Mr. Zachariah only faintly heard the muttered, “Oh no, not again, where did Jaggery put his steroids where Zachariah could find them _this_ time?” with his **buff** ears before he hit the water. 

You might have thought that his incredibly **buff** form would create a large splash, thereby alerting all on board of his continued, **buff** existence in the realm of the living, but you would have thought wrong. He was _so_ **buff** , in fact, that his **buff** ness caused the weak, wimpy water to cower in his presence, causing there to be no splash at all. Once the water came to terms with its awe at **buff!** Mr. Zachariah’s **buff** ness, it surrounded him normally. Of course, the water is a hard thing to impress in the first place, as these very seas had been in the presence of dinosaurs and blue whales, but **buff!** Mr. Zachariah stunned it enough with his sheer **buff** ness that it was momentarily surprised enough to not do its job properly.

Now, at this point, most old men, no matter how **buff** , would end up dead. The seas were a raging beast around him, and, like a crowd of fangirls at a kpop concert, all of the water molecules in the sea were yearning to touch him and his **buff** ness before the rest of the water just to say that it did. This, unfortunately, resulted in him being sucked under the massive waves and dragged by the current away from the ship. But he was **buff!** Mr. Zachariah, and, as was previously stated, he was too **buff** to die. So, knowing this to be true in his heart of hearts, he decided to take the most reasonable course of action and punched a hole in the side of the ship that he then dragged his **buff** body through.

Now, typically a hole the size that **buff!** Mr. Zachariah punched would immediately sink the ship. In fact, he almost split the entire ship in half with one **buff** , well-placed blow. He was lucky that he’d had the foresight to drug everyone on board with a full twelve milligrams of melatonin, otherwise they might have awoken. It was also three in the morning, and because no _sane_ human is up at three in the morning, no one noticed as he **buff** ly used his **buff** ness to pull the ship together once again, flicking away all of the stubborn fangirls - oh sorry, water molecules - before using the power of his **buff** ness to permanently seal the ship back together, because that was just something that he could do. 

He crawled back into the ship, but his **buff** body was winded for all of 0.05 seconds, so he took a brief and incredibly **buff** breath before continuing on. He was almost content to keep with his original plan to lie low and terrorize Charlotte every once in a while, but he just felt… incomplete, in a **buff** sort of way. So, he climbed up the ladder once more, but this time went to the captain’s cabin. Thanks to the melatonin and his long, exhausting day doing nothing and torturing innocents while simultaneously playing with a young girl’s mind and emotions in a creepy, predator-like way, the captain was out like a light. He was sucking his thumb like a baby, but that didn’t stop **buff!** Mr. Zachariah from using his incredibly **buff** fist to **buff** ly punch the stupid, creepy captain in the face. 

Now he felt complete, and could go back to his original, **buff** plan tomorrow. A shame that no one would see the giant bruise on the captain’s face. **Buff!** Mr. Zachariah knew that the ridiculous amount of makeup he wore on a daily basis would cover it up, but he, in his own **buff** ness, would know. So at least there was that.

**Author's Note:**

> Note: It is now nearly 2 AM and I have never felt better.


End file.
